Skills for Conflict Managers

Short course in conflict management: basic skills
Advanced abilities and tactics in conflict management
Advanced conflict assessment tools

A Short Course on Conflict Management

By the end of your study of conflict management, you will know a great deal about analysis, personal change in conflict and intervention into others' conflicts; you will know more about planning, using particular tactics for a certain effect, and bargaining.  But you might want some ideas right now for managing conflicts. The following simple suggestions for abilities to cultivate and tactics to employ will get you started. Keep these practices in mind and use them when you can.

And remember: A variety of skills are needed for different levels of conflict intensity (Sillars and Weisberg 1987; Fisher and Davis 1987) and different kinds of relationships. The skills that serve you well in intimate relationships may be inappropriate with transient, unimportant connections; at work; with casual friends; or with distant family. You will need to adapt these seven general communication skills to each situation:

• Speak your mind and heart.

• Listen well.

• Express strong feelings appropriately.

• Remain rational for as long as possible.

• Summarize, and ask questions.

• Give and take.

• Avoid all harmful statements.

1.     Speak your mind and heart.
Someone needs to speak up and say what he or she wants, thinks or feels. However obvious this point seems, the expression of conflict often is bogged down because someone is afraid to articulate needs clearly. Difficulty in expressing preferences directly may result in indirect, passive or aggressive communication (Young-Eisendrath 1993; Heitler 1990). Instead of blaming, switching topics or avoiding, make sure you address the problem as the issue (Fisher and Ury 1981). Speak up!

2.     Listen well.
By this time, you are aware that listening is a skill that underlies all productive conflict management.  Focus on what the other person is saying, not your rebuttal. Search for what might be right about what you hear instead of what is wrong (Heitler 1990), and let the other know you are doing this. Give some feedback that indicates that the other has been heard. You might say, “I am intrigued about your idea about taking six months off.  I'm worried about how I will cover your job, but let me hear more.” Remember that any sentence beginning with “Yes, but . . .” disqualifies anything you are going to say next.

3.     Express strong feelings appropriately.
In conflict, you will have very strong feelings at times. You will be angry, hurt, enraged, sad, joyful, hopeful or despairing. Careful, respectful expression of these feelings helps, rather than damages, conflicts. Avoid squelching your feelings; just learn to express them clearly in a nondestructive manner. Never attack, for any reason, if you want a long-term relationship!

4.     Remain rational for as long as possible.
Remaining rational does not mean staying calm, cool, collected or distant. Rationality means keeping in mind that you are trying to solve a problem and that you must remain connected to the other person throughout the interaction. Anything that diverts you from this task hurts conflict management. Summarize and ask questions.

5.     Review what has been said.
Ask about points that need clarification, using open-ended questions. Specialize in asking questions for which you do not know the answer.

6.     Learn to give and take.
Be fair by taking your turn and giving others their turns. No productive resolution comes from a one-sided conversation. You may solve a short-term problem; but in the long term, fairness counts.

7.     Avoid all harmful statements.
Attacks create enemies. Biting criticism drives people out of the interaction. Making the other person wrong means reducing the chance that you will ever make anything right. As medical doctors are taught by the Hippocratic oath, "Do no harm."

Practice! Students often say, "I can't remember all that stuff when I'm in the middle of something that has me upset. I just want to strangle him/her." True enough! No one can perform at a virtuoso level of communication all the time.  It's often worth stopping to check your technique, or even starting over, to get it right. You might say, "Wait a minute, let me try that another way" or "I don't get it yet. Would you tell me more?" We human beings are notoriously poor mind readers, so it often pays to slow down, practice a skill, check out what you think you heard, or say it a different way. Just like learning to play tennis; care for an infant; play the guitar; operate a new word-processing program or telemark ski, skills seem awkward at first, but become more natural with practice and confidence.